Crappy Faith

 {photo via:Pedlars}
Dear friends,

I am not going to lie to you right now. I am stressed. Super s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d. 
I blame London.

I know, I know. I'm the one who wanted to move there, but my emotions are just as messed up as my stomach is after swinging on swings. {I get motion sickness very easily} I have zero appetite and feel that I may need to excuse myself from a meeting at any moment to go vomit in the bathroom. Disgusting but true.

And this, I suppose, is where trusting God comes into play. Yesterday I was on cloud nine with God. We were BFF's I was singing and praising and thankful for all that He had done.

But today, I have no faith. A mustard seed seems like meteor and I would be ashamed but, I'm too stressed to care. I have crappy faith. Financial aid, apartments flat reservations, and tension filled conversations with my mom have me feeling, moody and pre-maturely sadden at the thought that I would have to look my friends and family in the eye and tell them that, 'No, I am not moving to London anymore.'

And sure, that would be the biggest blow to my ego that I would ever have to sustain, to date, but more than that my heart would break. I would be ripped apart in a lengthy divorce between where I thought I was going and where I am. The full direction of my life would come to a screeching halt as I would be left standing here knowing nothing.  I would get over it eventually, but I don't think I would ever be the same.

I want so desperately to be calm, to have unwavering faith, to praise God no matter what happens. I just don't know if I'm there yet.

Published 05/17/2011 By: Lisa M. Vanterpool


  1. Emotions are like a roller coaster, going up and down. Faith is something inside of you, but you just don't 'feel' like showing it or declaring it.

    So this is normal. It's one of them days, I guess. We all experience it. But the next day comes and then we again choose to believe.

    Hope your next few days are better! I'm sure they will be! ^_^

  2. 1) thank you for the sweet comment! i am glad you found me, and now i have found and am following your blog! Huzzah!
    2) i was honestly talking about this on Sunday with someone. For me, it came down to the face that my joy and trust in the Lord was totally circumstantial. based on what was going on around me, instead of based on the truth of who he is. now i am in the daily battle of changing that. :)

  3. Lisa--LOVE the photo, so funny. Definitely do NOT love that you're going through this time of doubt. :( I have my own mini-meltdowns (that's how bad I get) of doubt ALL THE TIME, more than I have in previous years...

    It IS hard to have the unwavering faith. I have no words of wisdom at all other than that everything works out better than we can ever imagine. I have to tell myself that 10x a day, and I admit I don't always believe it...

    I know you will get to London...and I can't wait to continue reading your adventures from across the pond!


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